Here you will find our full

2022 Healthy Relationships Lent Devotional 

Here you will find our full

2022 Healthy Relationships Lent Devotional 

Table of Contents
Introduction
Day 1—Pray
Day 2—Get intentional
Day 3—Self-control  
Day 4—Love your neighbor as yourself
Day 5—Communication not debate  
Day 6—Step forward as a friend
Day 7—Share a meal
 Day 8—Constructive criticism
 Day 9—Bring your issues  
Day 10—Don’t let the sun
Day 11—Be realistic about them
Day 12—Be realistic about yourself
Day 13—Would you act differently
Day 14—Practice forgiveness
Day 15—Be humble
Day 16—How can you be helped?
Day 17—The people that push
Day 18—Avoid triangulation
Day 19—If you have no other option
Day 20—WWJD
Day 21—The control you have
Day 22—HAVE FUN!
Day 23—Going to get back at someone
Day 24—See who God is sending
Day 25—Is it really necessary?
Day 26—LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN
Day 27—Being helpful
Day 28—Conflict resolution
Day 29—Come with an open mind
Day 30—Trust first
Day 31—Be real, not fake
Day 32—Know your goals
Day 33—Ships and storms
Day 34—Encourage
Day 35—Push past
Day 36—Be slow to anger
Day 37—Compromise
Day 38—Don’t gossip
Day 39—God’s work, our hands
Day 40—B+
Conclusion

Introduction

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NRSV

In Return from Tomorrow, George Richie has a near death experience that gives him a vision of the afterlife and an encounter with a truly loving God. Soon after this incredible event, George struggles with saying for certain what we Christians are supposed to do with our limited time in this life. In order to find an answer, George talks to someone that he calls, “Wild Bill,” who survived a Jewish concentration camp.

Here are Wild Bill’s words: “We lived in the Jewish section of Warsaw," he began slowly, "my wife, our two daughters, and our three little boys. When the Germans reached our street they lined everyone against a wall and opened up with machine guns. I begged to be allowed to die with my family, but because I spoke German they put me in a work group." He paused, perhaps seeing again his wife and five children. "I had to decide right then," he continued, "whether to let myself hate the soldiers who had done this. It was an easy decision, really. I was a lawyer. In my practice I had seen too often what hate could do to people's minds and bodies. Hate had just killed the six people who mattered most to me in the world. I decided then that I would spend the rest of my life-whether it was a few days or many years-loving every person I came in contact with.” Now that may be a difficult story for us to hear and process, but after hearing Wild Bill, George felt he had all the answers he needed to finally understand how to live in this world... you had to live in love, “for those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them.” (1 John 4:16 NRSV) This is pure and simple the message and mission of Christianity.

When I was a student at the University of Washington, I did an independent study with a former Presbyterian minister turned college professor. We were talking about the youth group I was leading and how I didn’t know what activity I was going to do with them that week. His answer, without pause, without me actually asking a question was, “Love them. Just love them. That is all you ever need to do. Let them know they are loved.” At the time I thought it was wildly impractical advice. If kids showed up to youth group expecting an exciting activity and all I did was let them know how much I loved them, I doubted that they would be back for another event. But in truth his advice couldn’t have been any more practical. The kids in my youth group didn’t come back each week because I had the most exciting games or gave the most interesting lessons, they came back (and they eventually told me so) because they knew that I cared about them.

The Christian message bottled down to one word is LOVE. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. Love yourself. LOVE EVERYONE. The real question is how... how do we love? 

How do we love our neighbor that is doing everything that we think they shouldn’t be doing? How do we love the person that knows how to push our buttons like no one else? How do we love in this very complicated and divided world?

This devotional and workbook will help you attempt to answer those questions for yourself. I am not a clinically trained counselor, I am just a Lutheran pastor that sees a need for us to start working on how to love our neighbor in a healthy way once again. 

This devotional will look at the many pieces that make for healthy relationships while continually tying everything back into our faith, our Bible, and our God. Each day of the devotional also includes a question, some space to write, and an activity. Whether this book is used as a part of a Lenten program, a summer series, or just one person striving to be a better human being, over 40 days we will set out to learn how to love our neighbor as ourselves in a truly healthy and life giving way. Blessings on your journey and thank you for doing this truly important work.
—Pastor Adrian

Day 1—Pray

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever. -Psalm 23 NKJV

I will quickly explain the evolution of my prayer life to you. At first, it was “God give me.” Then it was “God give me this now!” Then it was “God where were you?” And now,  “God let me tell you about my day... and also give me something.” My prayer life has evolved from seeing God as Santa, a magical giver of needed/wanted things, to seeing God as an apathetic deity, to seeing God as a person with whom I have a relationship. The easiest way to make sure that our relationships are right with everyone else is to make sure that our relationship is right with the being that can give us the most help in dealing with those people who excel at pushing our buttons. I’m talking of course about improving our relationship with the God of all. And how do you do this? How do you develop this relationship?  “He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.” I won’t give you ten steps to become a more effective Christian, I will give you just one step: pray. A relationship with God is like a house plant. You start with a plant that is small and at first you take good care of it. When you first come to faith it is all very exciting. You water it, you nourish it, you place it somewhere so that it can have ample amounts of sun. But then before long you forget about that plant, you move it to some place where it won’t get in the way and you water it when you remember. Some of that early energy around your new life in faith dissipates. And life goes  on... and the plant is no longer growing like it was before. You wonder what is wrong with the plant. That houseplant and that relationship with God require regular work, like any relationship. For a plant, it is water. For your relationship with God, it is prayer. With each new prayer your relationship grows and as that relationship grows, you’ll be able to hear the voice of God more and more, calling you to be better, to live better,  to love more. 

Question: How might your prayer life become more functional, more useful, more fulfilling? 
Activity: Pray. Deepen your connection with God. Ask God’s help in finding a way to make your relationships healthier. 

Day 2—Get intentional

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NRSV

“A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” Healthy, happy relationships don’t just happen. They take conscious effort and the will to have them be healthy and happy.  Healthy, happy relationships are a lot like the laundry sitting in the corner of your room right now that you said you were going to get to, but obviously haven’t. Sure it could be nice and clean. Sure it doesn’t take much time to do it as long as you have the washing machine and detergent. And you know, sure as anything, that if you don’t get it done, guess what? IT WON’T GET DONE! Healthy, happy relationships are exactly like this.  Want a better relationship? Go out and make it happen. Talk to the person you want to know better. Share something with the person that bothers you so much. Speak the words that you have been thinking for so long. If we are called to love and we keep that love to ourselves because... well... we don’t feel like sharing it, what are we doing? What does our apathy and procrastination do with God’s call... and our wardrobe choices (remember that laundry you left in the corner)?

Question: Thinking about all your relationships, what is something that you have been putting off? Why have you been putting it off?
Activity: Practice intentionality by getting that thing done that you have been putting off. 

Day 3—Self-control

For this very reason, you must make every effort to support your faith with goodness, and goodness with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with endurance, and endurance with godliness, and godliness with mutual affection, and mutual affection with love. -2 Peter 1:5-7 NRSV

A number of the weekends of my childhood were spent fishing with my grandfather.  And although, by and large, it was an idyllic time... I still remember the maddening ritual that was featured in EVERY SINGLE fishing adventure. We would push out the boat into the water, start up the  trolling motor, and point the boat wherever we felt the fish were hiding. Then, you would  think, once we got to our desired location, we would start fishing. But that is not how it would begin. How it actually began, almost every time, was one massive knot.  My grandfather would open the tackle box to get out the particular lures that we would use on that day, only to find, that somehow, magically, everything was now knotted together into one massive non-functional lure. And then the real process would begin... the slow methodical untangling that, for some reason, never-ever-ever-ever involved scissors.  I would sit there, trying to put on the face of the dutiful grandson that was always patiently willing to follow my grandfather’s way of doing things. While underneath it all, I was seething, holding back the yell that would most certainly have scared away all the fish in the lake. “JUST CUT THE LINE THAT COSTS A PENNY AND START OVER!!”  But I never shouted it, although I may have offered some suggestions every now and then  (which of course were rejected as being short-sighted).  It was this time with my grandfather, more than anything else, that taught me self-control. And although I would have given anything to not learn that lesson the way that I did and JUST GET TO FISHING... it taught me that we do have an inner reserve that gives us the strength to handle the most trying time, the most trying person, the most trying situation. We only have to practice  this self-control to learn the joy that come from mastering it. For me it was extra time with my grandfather, for others it is a friendship with a person who on first blush comes across as mean, or annoying, or rude. It is never too late to learn this skill, nor too late to learn it again by slowly and methodically untangling a difficult neighbor.

Question: What makes you lose your cool when talking to someone? What might you do to enhance your self-control? 
Activity: Go make/buy your favorite dessert..and wait for at least one day before you eat it. That is real self-control. 

Day 4—Love your neighbor as yourself

“In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.” -Matthew 7:12 NRSV

Loving your neighbor as yourself is not just about loving someone else, but also about loving yourself. If you cannot truly love yourself, see yourself as important, see yourself as someone worthy of affection, how can you share love with anyone else? The thing is, you can’t. That’s why Jesus said it. Not because it sounded cool, but because Jesus understands humanity down to its darkest depths and he knows how to make us the humans that we were meant to be. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Live life abundantly yourself. THEN you can start loving your neighbor properly.  I don’t know how you managed the covid-19 pandemic, but for me, in the beginning, I tried to do everything in the perfectest way possible. I was going to make the most amazing virtual worship services, I was going to grow my relationship with my wife, I was going to help my kids have the most bestest distanced learning, I was going to learn how to can all the veggies that I was going to raise up from seeds, and exercise, and write, and film, and travel, and master social media, and…. As I went further and further down that hole of doing everything during the pandemic, and as I stared burn out in the face, I came away with a very important truth: if I don’t slow down and learn to love myself in the way that I need to be loved, I’m not going to be able to help anyone or connect with anyone in the way that I want to. What a hard, but necessary lesson to learn!

Question: As you work to improve your relationships, how can you improve your relationship with yourself? How can you be a better friend to yourself? How can you truly love yourself so that you can more effectively love others? 
Activity: Go do something for yourself that you know will give you the strength to go out and help someone else. 

Day 5—Communication NOT debate

Remind them of this, and warn them before God that they are to avoid wrangling over words, which does no good but only ruins those who are listening. -2 Timothy 2:14 NRSV

Long term relationships, especially intimate ones, are hard... I don’t know if anyone ever told you that. You live your whole life as an island and then suddenly... there is someone else on your island.  You may not know this about me, but I like a good argument. I used to start arguments with people just to have them, regardless if I believed what I was saying or not.  My wife, however, does not like a good argument, and if she has to get in an argument she doesn’t want to do so off the top of her head, she needs time to consider all sides and then make up her mind.  The first couple of times we had an argument I didn’t realize this was how my wife worked, I just set out to do what I always do, win the argument. And I won those arguments... but I didn’t. Life is not the debate team. Life is not a philosophy lecture. Life is not a game. Life is about living in relationship with those that you love, growing in understanding of them, sharing in good times and bad, and being able to openly talk about your experiences without constantly being on the defensive.  As of late, we have all gotten very good at crafting our arguments, being ready to win our arguments no matter what, but are we actually winning these arguments? Maybe it is time to change how we approach our disagreeable neighbors.

Question: How do you argue? Is it healthy? How do people you are close to argue? Do you allow them to process in the way that they need to? 
Activity: Try to have a conversation with someone about something you are passionate about, without getting into a debate or trying to win them over to your side.

Day 6— Step forward as a friend… even before you are a friend

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. Let another praise you, and not your own mouth—a stranger, and not your own lips. A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both. Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who is able to stand before jealousy? Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Well meant are the wounds a friend inflicts, but profuse are the kisses of an enemy. The sated appetite spurns honey, but to a ravenous appetite even the bitter is sweet. Like a bird that strays from its nest is one who strays from home. Perfume and incense make the heart glad, but the soul is torn by trouble. Do not forsake your friend or the friend of your parent; do not go to the house of your kindred in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is nearby than kindred who are far away. -Proverbs 27:1-10 NRSV

I still remember how I used to go into asking my parents for something. First, I would  research whatever it was that I wanted. I would know everything about it, all the pros and cons. I would know the costs, the reviews... everything. Then, once I had this information, I would wait until two things happened at the same time: my parents were tired and my parents were happy. This led me to always ask my parents when they came home from work, “How was your day?” I would ask them this not because I was a loving son, but because I knew... if they had a rewarding day at work, I would find them tired and happy. I used to enter all of these interactions not as child to parent or friend to friend, but as a con artist to a mark. And because of all this background work and deviancy, I almost always got what I wanted.  But I still remember the first time I saw my parents, not as parents, or as marks, or as banks, but as friends. I was home for the summer from seminary and my parents were going through a tough personal time. My mother walked into the room and started to tell me everything that was going on in her life and I realized, she wasn’t just sharing, she was looking for advice... from me... the child, the former con artist. My life has truly been enriched since my way of interacting with my parents has gone from being a con artist at times to being a friend all the time. “Better is a neighbor who is nearby than kindred who are far away.” The world shifts when you start all your interactions with people as if they were your friend, even if you are meeting them for the first time. If friend isn’t enough, it might also be helpful to remember, that person in front of you, for all of your differences, is a child of God and was made by God to do something special in the world. JUST LIKE YOU.

Question: How do you interact with your best friend? What is different about that interaction than ones you have with anyone else? How can you use that way of being with your best friend, when dealing with people you don’t necessarily get along with? 
Activity: Go talk to a stranger or someone you don’t like as if they were your friend.

Day 7—Share a meal with your enemy

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” No, “if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. -Romans 12:14-21 NRSV

I have eaten more than a few meals with people that I don’t like. The meal always starts the same. That awkward feeling of, “Oh no! I have to spend all this time WITH THEM?!??!” And then the silence sets in as you both realize what is about to happen. When you sit down across from each other, the unspoken agreement begins, “I’ll be on my best behavior as long as you are on yours.”  But something always happens in the course of those meals with people I don’t necessarily like. I am changed. They are changed. Perhaps it is hard to hate someone while chewing. Perhaps there is something written into our DNA that when we share a meal, hate becomes more difficult, for the day’s work is done and the time has come to enjoy the collective harvest.  Now, I am not saying this always happens, and I do know that many people successfully hate all throughout an entire meal, but a meal is an opportunity to see that other person you have fought so many battles against, not as some inhuman monster who swallows hope and joy, but as a person, just like you, that eats and laughs, makes mistakes and tries to love.  The last verse of today’s reading is probably the best of them, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” You know what is the best revenge? Passing the butter. Offering them the salt. Making sure that your enemy has an extra helping. It is the best revenge not because you are trying to clog their arteries, but because in doing evil you are damaged, but in doing good you are relieved of so many burdens. 

Question: Think of past altercations that you have had during meals. Was there an opportunity to do  something different? What would you do differently knowing what you know now? 
Activity: At the next group event, don’t sit with the people you came with or even know. Try to sit by someone you haven’t sat with before or better yet, sit with someone you don’t like. 

Day 8—Constructive criticism

The righteous are delivered from trouble, and the wicked get into it instead. With their mouths the godless would destroy their neighbors, but by knowledge the righteous are delivered. When it goes well with the righteous, the city rejoices; and when the wicked perish, there is jubilation. By the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but it is overthrown by the mouth of the wicked. Whoever belittles another lacks sense, but an intelligent person remains silent. -Proverb 11:8-12 NRSV

I watch the television show, “The Office,” a lot more than I’d like to admit. When I am stressed out, I generally throw on an episode and I immediately begin to calm down. I can quote most episodes from memory, which is why the moment I wrote out the heading of this section, “Constructive Criticism,” all I could think about was a scene from an episode of “The Office” where Michael Scott (the regional manager of the paper company) finds out that his boss is about to come down from corporate and she wants to hear what good ideas he has to save their branch. If he doesn’t come up with good ideas, he may get fired. The problem? If you’ve ever seen the show you will know immediately, Michael Scott doesn’t have any good ideas.  So his solution is to put out a suggestion box and he demands that everyone in the office turn in their “constructive compliments ASAP!” Someone asks if he meant to say constructive criticisms because constructive compliments doesn’t make any sense, to which Michael responds, “That was neither constructive, nor a compliment.” It’s hard to argue with that logic.  “Whoever belittles another lacks sense, but an intelligent person remains silent.” Many times we do see something that's not quite right, and without thinking about how our criticism will be received, we tell someone what we think they are doing wrong. The problem? Too often our criticisms are “neither constructive nor a compliment.” But even more than that, we far too often make our criticism based on “what we think” the other person is doing wrong without first looking within ourselves to see if we are being unreasonable or unwilling to change or simply hurtful.  So, before you step out the door and make a constructive criticism or compliment, ask yourself this: do they need to change or do I?

Question: Think of the most hurtful criticism you ever received? Why was it offered? How did you react? How do you wish you had reacted? 
Activity: Practice constructive criticism by giving someone a constructive compliment. Give someone a compliment that you know they need to hear. 

Day 9—Bring your issues to the person alone

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” -Matthew 18:15 NRSV

I should have known I was going to be a pastor a long time before I actually figured it out. As far back as I can remember, I have been called in to counsel people, to fix disputes, to calm down people that were “about to lose it.” At one point in the fifth grade my father actually asked me why people were calling the house at all hours of the day asking for me. I am pretty sure, being a fifth grader, I just shrugged my shoulders and went to answer the ever ringing phone. I don’t think it ever occurred to me to ask anyone why they were bringing their issues to me, I just know that for the whole of my life, I have been counseling someone in one way or another.  And I will tell you now, the secret of a lot of my advice... it boils down to one question I always ask, one question that provides the easiest solution to every disagreement between two parties, one  question that people almost always refuse to take and own, here it is: “Have you thought about telling the other person about what's bothering you?”  The most common responses: “I could never.” “I tried, kind of, but they weren’t really listening.” “Do you think you could talk to them?” Many people are willing to take and believe the grander statements of the Bible, but when the Bible offers practical, useful, simple advice people tend to turn a blind eye. “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.”  The more we talk to other people rather than the person our issue is with, the bigger the issue becomes, the bigger the chance of it blowing up becomes, the bigger the chance that you might lose that one. But I promise you, once those words are out of your mouth and you work to address what is bothering you with the actual person that is bothering you, things will get better. Either you will resolve your issues or you will let it go, because you tried.

Question: Is there someone who has wronged you recently? How did you deal with it? How should you have dealt with it? 
Activity: If possible, try to “re-deal” with the person and come to a better resolution. If it is not possible, write out a potential back and forth conversation that comes to a better resolution.

Day 10—Don’t let the sun go down on your anger

So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. -Ephesians 4:25-26 NRSV

Have you ever been so angry it felt good? Have you ever savored the flavor, smell, even the touch of your anger? Have you ever found yourself realizing all the reasons why you should let go of your anger, but you don’t let it go because you are enjoying it too much? This feeling usually stems from knowing with one hundred percent certainty that you are right and the other person is wrong. AND you need to tell them how wrong they are!  I will come out and admit it: I have done this. In fact, I used to do it a lot. I would spend the whole day and all of the night until I fell asleep thinking about the best possible argument to show the other person just how wrong they were. The problem with doing this is that without fail, the anger of yesterday follows you into tomorrow.  That advice: “Why don’t you sleep on it,” only works if you allow it to work. And you know, putting off getting rid of that anger seems easier than actually dealing with it. “I’ll get to it some day.” The problem is that in many situations, “some day” never comes. And that anger is left to fester and build until all you remember is the anger and not the wrong.  And at that point, getting rid of that anger becomes the hardest thing possible because you have turned a simple wrong into a prison for yourself.  This is why it is much better, when you see the sun setting, to say goodbye’s to the hurts of the day. Tomorrow will have troubles of its own... it needs no help from today. 

Question: What hurt or anger have you held onto the longest? What has it gotten you by holding onto it?
Activity: Close your eyes. Picture the hate or hurt or anger that you hold. Now let it go. Picture it blowing away. Watch it go. Say Goodbye. 

Day 11—Be realistic about them

When they came, he looked on Eliab and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed is now before the Lord.” But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for the Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:6-7 NRSV

I have been writing for a long time. I write books. I write movies. I write plays. And after all these years of nearly non-stop-writing, I have found a singular flaw to the way I write. I have a lot of trouble not making the main character me. Sure, I will give them a different way of talking, a different history, a different style of being, but at the end of the day, that main character is still me.  I believe this kind of thinking... wanting to make everyone us, is one of the main problems that enters into our arguments. We argue with a person based on the argument that should sway them if they are rational. And by rational we mean: if they think like us.  “The Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” But we need to be realistic about our neighbor. They are not us. THANKFULLY! They have their own histories, their own philosophies and theologies, their own ways of thinking. We must not expect them to behave rationally like us, we must not expect them to agree with us all the time. All we can expect, all we can hope for is that when we open our mouths to speak they will listen. Don’t expect someone to change because you give the best argument. Listen to what they have to say, hope for them to change, but also be ready to change yourself. 

Question: What experiences, ways of thinking, environmental influences have shaped how you think and speak? 
Activity: Have a conversation with someone and while you are doing so, try to figure out their background, their way of thinking, why they believe the things that they do. 

Day 12—Be realistic about yourself

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. -Psalm 139:14-16 NRSV

Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken. -Oscar Wilde

During my senior year of High School, I took a multiple choice test in which a number of the possible answers for each question were correct. I found the test infuriating, but I did the best that I could with the test provided. When the test was graded and returned, I found that I did very poorly on the test. So, I waited until after class and went to the teacher to...  explain... to her how unfair her test actually was. She didn’t get what I was saying, claiming “the test is the test” and I’ll come clean, I lost it. And just before I was about to say some very rude things to her, I turned and left without another word.  Later that night, this teacher called my house and asked to speak to my parents. The minute I heard she had called, I thought, “Well, that’s it, I’m going to get in a lot of trouble for being so disrespectful.” I waited not so patiently outside my parents room until the call ended, and then my mother came out giving me a very odd look. I asked, “What did she say?” Then my mother gave me the great surprise, “She called to praise your restraint.” I am surprised I didn’t fall on the floor in shock. Apparently, this teacher could tell as well as I could that I was losing it. And whereas I saw a disrespectful action of turning and leaving  without being dismissed, she saw the ultimate act of self-control. She saw something praise worthy in me that I could not see in myself.   This “knowing yourself” is a very important quality to Christianity and to our discussion. It is important to know where your boundaries lie, to know your limits in an argument, to know your strengths and weaknesses. Never push yourself beyond your breaking point. Always allow yourself to take a break if you need one. Choose to be a little disrespectful if it will save you from exploding.

Question: What are the things that push you over the edge? What pushes your buttons? 
Activity: Imagine someone is pushing every single one of your buttons, practice how you would remain in control. Go practice a stress relieving exercise that works for you, so that you'll be prepared if a problematic situation comes your way. 

Day 13—Would you act differently if the most important person in your life was watching?

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. -Psalm 19:14 NRSV

In the TV show called, “Family Guy,” the oldest son of the family, Chris, is told by his strict Catholic grandfather that God is always watching him, and Chris asks nervously, “Even in the bathroom?”  When I was young, I was told that our loved ones watched over us. And much like Chris, I had to wonder... all the time? Even when I don’t want them to? I always imagined that these loved ones would give me privacy when I needed it, but I was more concerned about them seeing me when I was yelling at my sister or making fun of someone. The answer that always came back to me was that yes, they were watching me, and I had better be on my best behavior. Even though I recognized it for the guilt trip that it was, I decided to take this concept seriously and I chose to imagine my grandpa Frank as the one who was watching over me. What sort of decisions would I make if my grandpa Frank was always watching? At first it was rather annoying because I didn’t think my grandpa would appreciate me fighting with a particular kid in school. I didn’t think he would appreciate me using some of the “angry words” he had accidentally taught me. I didn’t think he would appreciate a lot of the things that most of my friends were doing. But eventually, the annoyance of it passed away and I started making better, kinder decisions. A feeling that my actions had meaning replaced the annoyance.  Now, I won’t say I have always done things my grandpa Frank would be happy about. I still remember, when my grandfather was alive, driving with him to somewhere and we passed a police car that was parked in a “speed trap.” A little farther down the road we came upon a car speeding straight toward the police officer. So I flashed my lights to help the speeding car avoid a speeding ticket. My grandfather asked me why I had flashed my lights and I explained that it was a signal that would tell them to slow down. His response, “So that’s how things are now....”  Living like someone you care about is watching over you doesn’t mean you are always going to do and say the right thing, but it does help in those situations where you might get out of control, to find a focus of sorts to bring your better nature back to the surface. 

Question: What person could you visualize to keep you on your best behavior? Do you think it would work? 
Activity: If your “visualized” person is alive, talk to them about a decision you’ve struggled with. If not, have a  pretend conversation with them and imagine how they might answer. 

Day 14—Practice forgiveness

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. -Ephesians 4:32 NRSV

One of my favorite quotes from our entire Bible comes from the Gospel of Luke, when Jesus is on the cross and says, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34 NRSV) Why do I love it so much? It’s because in that moment on the cross, even the true exemplar of ideal humanity, Jesus, couldn’t find it in his heart to forgive the people who were crucifying him. Jesus doesn’t say, “I forgive them or I forgive you.” He asks the Father to forgive them because in that moment, even that perfect Jesus needed the Father’s help. It shows me two things. One, forgiveness is not for the faint hearted, and two, no matter who you are, sometimes forgiveness takes time.  So, today's message is simple: forgive. Through the grace of God be forgiven when you do something wrong. And forgive your neighbor when they do something wrong. And forgive God for the things that you wish God had done differently. And forgive yourself when you find it difficult to forgive. Live a life of practicing forgiveness. Forgive someone before you are ready to forgive them or ask God’s help in forgiving someone when you can’t even speak those “I forgive” words. As you practice forgiveness, soon enough you will find, as if by magic, that your burden is so much lighter. 

Question: What is the hardest thing you ever had to forgive? How did you do it? 
Activity: Walk around your house and forgive things. Forgive the noisy hinge, forgive that step where you always stub your toe, forgive the chair with the bad spring, forgive everything you can see. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS AND IT MIGHT SOON BECOME A HABIT. 

Day 15—Be humble

So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have set you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you. -John 13:14-15 NRSV

Being humble is not about wallowing in the dirt, it is not about heaping coals on your head, it is not about lowering yourself to the point where you can go no lower. Being humble means knowing yourself, it means appraising yourself correctly, it means knowing what your gifts are and how you can use them.  I have no problem with someone saying they are the greatest football player or theologian or physicist in the world, as long as it is true. The problem I do have is that so many times people try to pretend that they are more than they are, and what’s worse, they try to prove it. This always gets people into trouble. They refuse to accept help. They refuse to listen to another way. They refuse to believe they could ever be in the wrong.  The nice thing about being humble? You don’t really have to hide things about yourself, including your mistakes, because the imperfect person that you know yourself to be is most certainly a person that makes mistakes! Don’t try to pretend that you are more than you are. In this life of faith we are called to be servants. We are called to be humble. We are called to let people in and show them who we truly are, warts and all.

Question: What are your strengths? What are your flaws? 
Activity: Tell someone about a mistake you recently made and how that shows clearly just the kind of person that you are. 

Day 16—How can you be helped?

Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. -Galatians 6:2 NRSV

I have this flaw buried deep in my brain, where my first impulse, when anyone offers me anything, is to turn it down. “Do you want a cookie?” My lips start forming the words before I can even register that I’ve been offered a delicious cookie, “No thanks, I’m good.” I’ll walk away wondering why I just turned down a cookie. “Can I help you carry that?” I’m in the midst of some back breaking gymnastics, lifting something up over my head that should never be lifted by anyone period and those words of self-betrayal tumble out, “No thanks, I’m good.” Sometimes I think these words are my first response because I have been trained to think I have to be strong and capable and the one who offers help. NOT THE ONE WHO RECEIVES HELP. And this ingrained response and avoidance of help becomes even worse when the person offering me help is someone that I do not like. My enemy sees me with my pants on fire, “Need some help?” “No thanks, I was cold so I set myself on fire to warm up. Great idea, isn’t it? Not something you would be creative enough to consider.” Asking for help, receiving help, is one of the hardest things we can do. It requires true humility. It requires real self-awareness. It is so easy to just avoid asking for help, even when we desperately need it. And yet when we turn down help that is offered, help that we should clearly accept, what does that do to the growing relationship we have with the one who offered the help and was denied? Or let’s say that person that offered you help needs help themselves later, how likely are they to accept your help then? It is hard for us to remember, but we are put on this earth not simply to find as much enjoyment as possible, but to look after each other. The burdens of each person are becoming heavier and heavier with each passing generation and I think the reason for that is that we have lost the concept of shared burden. We have lost the understanding that we cannot stand alone. WE NEED HELP. WE NEED TO OFFER HELP. 

Question: What stops you from asking for and receiving support from the people in your life? What stops you from offering support to your neighbor more often? 
Activity: Go ask for help from someone close to you, even if it is just asking for a cup of sugar. Go offer help to someone close to you, even if it is the smallest of things. 

Day 17—The people that push your buttons

Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” -1 Corinthians 15:33 NRSV

I am not saying you should shun people. I am not saying you should cast out certain people. I am not saying we bring back ex-communication. What I am saying is that there are some people that just bring out the worst in you. You know who I am talking about before I say another word. I still remember the arguments I would have with my father during my senior year of high school. He would say the simplest thing and it would just irk me. It wasn’t really what he said, or how he said it, or the mood I was in. It was that at that point in my life, I was starting to become too independent to live with my parents, too rebellious to live with my  parents, too foolish to realize how great a thing it is to live somewhere RENT FREE. The best thing that ever happened to my relationship with my father was going away for awhile... giving both of us time to heal.  Similarly, there are going to be certain people that you just, plain and simple, do not enjoy being around. AND THAT IS FINE. Jesus had his twelve disciples... not twelve thousand. Jesus had not the multitudes, but Jesus had “the one whom Jesus loved.” You probably aren’t going to do better than Jesus. You should respect each person and treat each person fairly, but you can also excuse yourself from situations where it is just the two of you. THIS IS NOT A BAD THING, but a thing far healthier than turning into a volcano of rage every now and again. 

Question: Who pushes your buttons? How do they do it? How might you avoid putting yourself in those situations where they make you react poorly?  
Activity: Spend time with someone who does not push your buttons and remind yourself of how good it feels to be in a healthy relationship. 

Day 18—Avoid triangulation

Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective. -James 5:16 NRSV

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the theologian, came up with an idea for living in a community, in which, whenever someone sinned, they would stand in front of the congregation and confess it. As you can imagine, his idea didn’t go well. Other than being incredibly awkward, it made people look at their neighbor differently. Whereas one might freely admit that each and every person they know is a sinner, knowing their specific sin and being able to put a name to it is something else. I AM NOT SAYING CHURCHES SHOULD TAKE ON THIS PRACTICE! WHAT I AM SAYING is that when we have a problem with someone... we should go to that person directly, not telling person b to go and tell person c something that you want them to hear. Why not? This creates an unhealthy triangle in which problems only escalate. In psychology circles it is referred to as “Triangulation,” which is defined by old faithful Wikipedia as, “a situation in which one family member will not communicate directly with another family member, but will communicate with a third family member, which can lead to the third family member becoming part of the triangle. The concept originated in the study of dysfunctional family systems, but can describe behaviors in other systems as well, including work.” And I would add, CHURCH. Many problems get solved in minutes if you take it to the person directly. Avoid triangulation. Talk directly to people.

Question: Have you ever been the victim of triangulation? How did it play out? Was it healthy? 
Activity: Spend a day without telling anyone to tell someone else anything. If you want someone to tell someone else that you said hello, call that person directly. If you want someone else to know something, track them down. 

Day 19— If you have no other option, speak

One who spares words is knowledgeable; one who is cool in spirit has understanding. -Proverbs 17:27 NRSV

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. -George Eliot

It happens every time. I am coming home from a meeting, or party, or gathering and I am recounting all of the things that I said during the event that I wished I hadn’t said. And after that, I start worrying about how this person or that person will take what I had to say. I always promise myself, “Next time, I am just going to keep my mouth shut.” And then next time  comes.... Christianity, sadly, has become a religion of words. What is the most important part for many at worship... the sermon... the words. What do most people hear about Christianity?  This person said this about homosexuality, this person said that about evolution, this person said.... And almost none of what the person is saying really has anything to do with the work of Christ.  We are meant to go out and be the church, not go to church. We are meant to share our meals with the poor, our coats with the naked, our time with those who feel so very much alone. None of that necessarily has anything to do with talking. It is as St. Francis is quoted as saying, “Spread the Gospel (Good News), if all else fails, use words.” Sometimes, with some of the foolish things that I say, a vow of silence doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. But if your words keep you from loving as you are called to love, zip it.

Question: What have you said over the course of your lifetime that you wish you could take back? How might you stop yourself from saying the wrong things in the future? 
Activity: Spend today saying as little as possible. See how it feels.

Day 20—WWJD

He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? -Micah 6:8 NRSV

I was in high school when the whole WWJD (what would Jesus do) wristband thing became popular. And I was not a fan. Even in high school, I remember thinking it was far too simplistic. What would Jesus do if he saw an airplane? What would Jesus do about stem cell research? What would Jesus do in Vegas (probably stare in amazement at the  buffet and wonder where this was when he was making 5000 meals from scratch)?  Perhaps my most traumatic WWJD moment happened in my friend’s truck. As foolish teenagers are prone to do, we were driving recklessly through a parking lot. I don’t  remember if we were doing doughnuts, but that wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility. Well, as it happened, we caught the attention of the law while we were being  so... foolish. When the police officer finally got us all pulled over, he stared at my friend who had been driving and then he noticed a WWJD bracelet hanging from my friend’s rearview mirror. The police officer said, “What would Jesus do, huh? I wonder.” This sent my mind racing? What would Jesus think about a hunk of metal traveling in excess of sixty miles an hour? What would Jesus think about a parking lot? What would Jesus do about what, exactly?  I get why the police officer said what he said. He was trying to stop my friend from being so reckless, but what he ended up doing, truly, was shaming my friend. By speeding wildly through an empty parking lot, my friend felt he had betrayed Jesus. I don’t know that I ever fully understood the connection. Now, as I have gotten older and perhaps wiser, I am not entirely against WWJD, I am merely against using it to shame. Instead I would hope that WWJD might propel us to action... to  fulfill the words of Micah 6:8, “He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” What would Jesus do? THAT! Be just to your neighbor. Be kind to your neighbor.  Walk humbly with your neighbor. Don’t shame your neighbor. WWJD? Exactly. 

Question: What would Jesus do if he saw the world as it is today? Who would Jesus spend his time with? 
Activity: Act on one thing that you think Jesus would do if he were walking around in the world today because guess what, he is walking around in the world... through you. 

Day 21—The control you have over your neighbor

There is no soundness in my flesh because of your indignation; there is no health in my bones because of my sin. -Psalm 38:3 NRSV

I have done enough pastoral counseling in my lifetime to see the way an errant word or phrase can rip apart someone’s life. AND WHAT’S WORSE? Most of the people who ripped apart someone’s life with a word, had no idea they had done anything at all.  This is particularly terrifying truth for a pastor to wrestle with. I can’t tell you how many times someone has come up to me after a worship service and told me how much they loved what I had to say during the sermon and then I hear them quote the exact opposite of what I actually said. So now I have to not only worry about what I say, but also how someone might incorrectly hear what I say?  But whether we would realize it or not, we have a lot of power over our neighbors. A kind word can send someone to the highest heights and a cruel word can bring on the lowest lows. A pastor friend of mine once shared a story with me about how he was on the elevator with his son when an acquaintance of his got on the elevator. After the initial greeting, the acquaintance turned to my friend’s son, and said, “Your father is a very nice man.” Then the acquaintance got off the elevator. This acquaintance could have done no greater kindness for my friend than praising him in front of his son. It was a moment that only took two seconds, but my friend will cherish it forever.  This is the power for good or ill we have within us everyday.

Question: Do you remember a time when a person changed your day completely with a word or phrase without even realizing it? What happened? 
Activity: Go perform a “Your father is a very nice man,” moment. 

Day 22—HAVE FUN!

There is nothing better for mortals than to eat and drink, and find enjoyment in their toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God. -Ecclesiastes 2:24 NRSV

For those of you who have never had a baby… let me tell you a little bit about what it is like. Every three to four hours the baby needs to be fed… that is your window. This window plays itself out anywhere from 6 to 8 times a day. Within this window of time, the baby needs to be fed (which they may or may not be happy about), the baby needs to have its diaper changed (at least once, MANY TIMES MORE), the baby needs to hear you  speak to it (because this is how it learns language), the baby needs time lying on its stomach in order to build up those neck muscles, and then of course there is all the singing and bouncing and walking and cooing and crying and sometimes sleeping. If you haven’t figured it out yet, having a baby is exhausting.  And too often when you are in that baby rearing time, the world starts to become just that three to four hour window that is constantly set on repeat. Even though it has been some years since I had a baby to take care of, I still remember that while my wife and I were in that grind, every once in awhile it just got to be too much. Life can become exhausting! Which is why every once in awhile you just have to go out and have fun. Go out to dinner. Go out to frozen yogurt. Go walk around somewhere. Go spend time with friends. Go do anything else than the thing that has been causing you to pull your hair out.  If all of your relationship with someone becomes a trying struggle, things are probably not going to work out very well. You have to remember to take time for FUN. 

Question: What do you most enjoy doing and why? Have you told others why you like what you like? 
Activity: Go do something fun with someone important to you.

Day 23—Going to get back at someone? Don’t

Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. -Romans 12:17 NRSV

Before you set out for revenge, be sure to dig two graves. One for them and one for you. -Confucius

When I was in Jr. High School, someone egged me. I don’t mean that they egged my house, I mean that they literally threw an egg at me. I was walking to the mailbox down a bit from my parent’s house, when a car drove up to me. An individual that I knew from school, stuck his arm out the window, wound up, and threw an egg. It hit me right in the chest. It exploded. It hurt. It went everywhere. I. Was. Furious. I made plans that night and egged the kid’s house. But that simple act didn’t satisfy my anger. So, I decided to egg his house the following night as well. Getting out of my friend's car, I snuck forward to the villain’s abode, when suddenly the kid and his dad jumped out of the bushes. They had been waiting for us to return. I took off running, sprinting through yards, jumping over fences. The kid from school was in hot pursuit. Suddenly, I was running in open air. Someone had cut out part of the hillside for their driveway, and I fell, landing knee first on the concrete. Soon my enemy was standing over me. We both just looked at each other for awhile. His house had been egged. My knees to this day are pained from that fall. Who came out on top from that act of vengeance? Probably the worst part of it all comes when I think about how absolutely furious I was at the time, but if I saw that kid now, as an adult, I don’t know that I could summon up even the slightest simmering of rage. I’d probably give the kid, now an adult, a hug and then laugh with him about the whole thing. AND THAT’S ONLY 20 YEARS REMOVED! We Christians are called to think long term, well beyond even a 20 year time frame. We are not mortal people, we are eternal people. What will we be talking about in the afterlife, not 20 years, but 20,000 years from now (which will be just the beginning of our time in eternity)?  I am sure we will be talking joyfully with the people that we love and probably not speaking too much about the good old days of who beat who and how.  So if you set out to get someone back, realize that winning will probably not get you anything, and if anything, it might make running into someone in heaven that much more awkward. 

Question: Have you ever tried to “get back” at someone? What happened? Are you glad you did it? Would you do it over again if you could in the same way? 
Activity: Watch a clock with a second hand for as long as you can (at least two minutes). Consider how short-sighted our perspective can be at times and how you might lengthen yours. 

Day 24—See who God is sending

No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. -1 Corinthians 10:13 NRSV

“God doesn’t give me more than I can bear.” I have heard this line a number of times from people in difficult spots. Usually they say it when they plan to try to “power through” their suffering on their own, rather than seeking to find a way out, or searching for support. And while I do believe God does give us the strength to deal with many difficult things, it is important to realize our limitations and to look for whatever people, whatever help God might be sending our way to weather the coming storm.  This reminds me of the story of the man caught in a flood. A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out a warning that the river would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately. A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me." The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.” As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!" But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.” The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!” The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop. A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, “Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!” Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned. When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?” And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?” Know your limitations, know when God is trying to tell you that it is okay for you to take a step back, and know when God has placed someone in your life to take you to that next place you need to go. Having healthy relationships will always increase the number of helpful resources you have in your life, while also increasing the variety of ways that God can send you support.

Question: When have you felt overwhelmed? What did you do to get through it? Were there other, better options?
Activity: Pause. Close your eyes. Try to picture who God would send you if a “flood” came your way. Cement that image in your mind so that when things do go wrong, you will recognize your “angels” for who they are. 

Day 25—Is it really necessary?

The beginning of strife is like letting out water; so stop before the quarrel breaks out. -Proverbs 17:14 NRSV

The comedian, Mitch Hedberg, had a very simple bit that went like this: My friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” And I said, “No man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should have just said, ‘yeah.’” I don’t know about you, but I have had way too many, “I should have just said, ‘yeah’” moments. Too many fights that didn’t need to occur. Too many trivial disagreements that needlessly harmed previously healthy relationships. Too many times I let my bad mood lash out at an unsuspecting victim. Many of the Biblical quotes for this devotional come from the book of Proverbs. It is a book that doesn’t necessarily expect you to be perfect, but a book that wants you to regularly seek proper perspective. To truly see the big picture. To ask that all important question, “Is this necessary?” Is this fight, this decision, this anger, this change necessary? Far too often the answer is no and far too often we still do it anyway.

Question: Have you ever gotten into an argument that never should have happened in the first place? What happened? How might it have been avoided? Should it have been avoided?
Activity: If possible, watch reality television. Watch one of those shows where people throw chairs at each other while the host watches. Think about their arguments. Are they all necessary?

Day 26—LISTEN, LISTEN, and then...LISTEN

But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. -James 1:22 NRSV

I vividly remember one episode of "The Bachelor” (yes, I watch “The Bachelor”) where the most amazing thing happened. Two women were having complete conversations without hearing a single word the other person said because both of them never stopped talking. It made for great television and a horrible revelation for how many of our own conversations play out. Hear me out. When someone is talking, are you completely “there” listening to everything they have to say or, while they are talking, are you already thinking about what you are going to say next? For many it seems that listening has seemingly become a somewhat optional part of a conversation. Regularly, our DIAlogues have been replaced with MONOlogues.  But I have a secret for you, people are amazingly interesting. If you actually take the time to listen to your neighbor they teach you so many fascinating, incredible things that you can get from no one else. There’s a trick to getting that information though. Like that plant needing water and that relationship with God needing prayer, “leveling up” your relationships won’t happen magically, but only through regular intentional listening. I remember sitting on a couch at a party in seminary (Yes, pastors know how to throw a party). But there was this quiet guy over in the corner by himself. I decided to approach him, I don’t know why, and before long we were in a fairly deep, enjoyable conversation. Then randomly he interjected into the conversation, “So that’s when I won my silver medal at the Olympics.” To think I could have missed out on meeting that individual, and missed out on hearing that story, all because having a conversation with someone new can at times be a little intimidating. I think about that Olympian often when I consider “tuning out” of a particular conversation I am in.

Question: Have you ever had a conversation with someone who wasn’t really listening to you? How did it make you feel? Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you weren’t really listening and they called you out on it? What do you think you missed out on by “tuning” them out? 
Activity: Practice active listening, where instead of interjecting your thoughts whenever the person pauses to take a breath, you nod your head, or say yes, or urge them to go on. 

Day 27—Being helpful, not codependent

Many seek the favor of a ruler, but it is from the Lord that one gets justice. -Proverbs 29:26 NRSV

According to the group, Mental Health America, “Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.” Christians are called to many things, but never codependency. You may say, “being a Christian is about loving one's neighbor as yourself, about being a servant to all, shouldn’t we all be codependent with one another on some level?” NO! Being codependent hurts both parties. The controller loses the ability to grow because the controlled is always doing everything for them, and the controlled has lost the ability to properly love themselves in that whole, love your neighbor AS YOURSELF, way.  So much of life is about growth, about growing into the person we were created to be, and if that growth is stifled by someone doing everything for us, or if it is stifled by continually living someone else’s dream, we are, on some level, breaking with what God intended for us, and stopping the world from being all that it can be. Saying no is never easy and sometimes saying yes to myself can be just as hard. Practice being helpful, but not enabling or being controlled. Practice focusing on your own personal growth and see what stumbling blocks arise. We all have various roles to play in our relationships, but all those roles should involve becoming the best versions of ourselves. Anything else needs to be reevaluated.

Question: Have you ever been in or seen a codependent relationship? What happened? What were the negatives? 
Activity: Make a list of your strengths. Are you making the most of your strengths? If yes, good for you. If not, try to figure out what needs to change. 

Day 28—Conflict resolution

You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. -James 1:19 NRSV

In sixth grade, my friends and I started throwing big, elaborate parties. For some of them, nearly half the school was invited. At one point, we learned that two girls were going to fight each other at our party. My friends and I started planning: what we would do about the fight, how we would do it, and how we would turn that fight into a beautiful instance of reconciliation. Then we realized something: we were sixth graders. We didn’t know the first thing about conflict resolution. We brought our problem to the school administrators and for the next few weeks they arranged for us to meet with someone who knew a little bit more about de-escalation than a group of sixth grade event planners. I bring this up, not to belittle sixth graders, as I know of a number of sixth graders that are actually doing amazing work right now to slow violence and conflict in their communities. But instead I bring this up to remind all of us that sometimes we need to seek professional help. Whether that is counseling (group, couples, or individual), conflict resolution (training or mediation), or something else entirely, never commit the error of thinking you have to handle everything on your own. That’s not a good way of thinking and it is not a particularly Christian way of thinking.

Question: Have you ever taken part in any conflict resolution process or counseling of any kind? What was it like?  Would it be helpful for you to receive more counseling or conflict resolution training? 
Activity: Pick two inanimate objects in your house (if you have two pets, pick them. It  will make this a lot more entertaining). Now, take these two things (or pets) and get them into an imaginary fight, the more details the better. Think about how you would help the two to resolve their differences. Consider how this exercise might inform your next conflict. 

Day 29—Come with an open mind and speak with one

If one gives answer before hearing, it is folly and shame. -Proverbs 18:13 NRSV

Regardless of what movies or TV shows or books tell you, most people don’t try to hurt others.  Yes, there are some legitimately bad people out there, but most people, hurt others by accident. Yet, when we see that hurt directed at us, we always think, how could they be so cruel or so foolish or so selfish? When you approach them about this hurt that they clearly did on purpose, they are generally mystified. They had no idea they were doing something to you and they had no idea how it was affecting you.  A friend of mine told me a story about his father doing the dishes in the kitchen one afternoon. The father takes the soap out from under the sink and gets to work. When finished, he puts away the plates and leaves the soap next to the faucet. Suddenly, my friend’s mother yells, “Could you just once put the soap back where it belongs?”  The father had no idea he had been doing anything wrong all these years or that there was a place the soap was supposed to be. The mother had thought all these years that her husband was waging a battle over the rightful place of the soap. This happened all because they made assumptions without trying to get to the facts.

Question: Have you ever gone to tell someone how they hurt you, already believing you knew why they chose to hurt you, only to find out they had no idea what you were talking about? 
Activity: Think of a person that is currently causing you distress. Is it possible that they don’t know they are bothering you? Try to resolve this issue without conflict, by simply asking them to change how they are doing the thing that is bothering you. 

Day 30—Trust first

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well; and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile. Give to everyone who begs from you, and do not refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you.” -Matthew 5:38-42 NRSV

Trust is never easy, it is almost always earned. But the Christian message is clear, give your trust to Judas, give your trust to the villain, give your trust to someone who doesn’t deserve it. We spend so much time trying to avoid being the sucker, that we build up these impregnable walls around ourselves. And by the world's standards we are being very prudent and very wise. But not to Jesus. Jesus would have you enter into a relationship trusting a person well before they’ve earned it. Which leads me to one of my favorite lines, “Trust, but verify.”The best part of this quote is that it begins with trust. In our world today we are taught to only trust if we have no other option. For trust can be betrayed. Trust can lead to downfall. Yet more importantly, trust leads to community. Trust leads to intimacy. Trust leads to the next step of the relationship. If you never trust, you might be safer, but you’ll never get “there.” And there is where you want to be. Trust, but verify. Trust first.

Question: How do you live practically in this world while also following the commands of Jesus found in today's Matthew 5 reading? 
Activity: Without doing anything too dangerous, try to live out the Matthew passage for at least one interaction... give a telemarketer the benefit of the doubt, believe the story the person tells you on the corner, give to someone that you think will misuse what you have given them. See how it plays out. 

Day 31—Be real, not fake

Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. -Romans 12:9-10 NRSV

I was once told this: “You will know a Christian by their smile,” and I was terrified. You see, I smile when I feel happy or when I laugh or when something ironic or irreverent or illogical happens, but I don’t smile when I am sad or when I am angry or when I am upset.  I started to worry... if you will know a Christian by their smile, and I’m not always smiling, am I not a Christian? I have a secret to share though, the above passage about smiling and Christianity is not in the Bible... and believe me, I have looked. Turns out that for the most part the opposite is true. Christians are meant to be people that live in the moment, feeling what they feel, and being honest about what they feel. The difficulty is that you are meant to love all the people that you run into on a daily basis even when you are feeling sad or angry or upset. You are meant to love when the last thing you want to do is smile.  So often in those situations when we are feeling a little off, we believe that we are somewhat called to fake it. If someone is sad and you are also sad, we feel we must fake being happy in order to make them less sad. In reality, when I am sad, and I run into someone else who is also sad, the depth of our relationship jumps up a notch as we connect over our shared emotions, our shared difficulties, our shared inability to smile at that moment. Maybe the new line should be: “They’ll know we are Christians, not by our smile, but by our love, by our realness, by our willingness to be with our neighbor where they are, and where we are.” That’s probably too long for a bumper sticker though.

Question: What do you do when you find someone desperately in need of your love in a time when you are not willing or unable to give it to them?
Activity: Walk through a public place, smiling the whole time. See how people react. Later, walk through a public place with your “grouchiest” face. See how people react. Reflect on the responses and reflect on our calling to love others while also being true to ourselves.

Day 32—Know your goals, know theirs

The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to want. -Proverbs 21:5 NRSV

People come to church for all sorts of reasons. Some come to church for the sermon. Some come for the fellowship. Some come for the music. Some come for the shared mission. Some come because they didn’t know what else to do on a Sunday morning. This is something very important to understand... very rarely do two people do the same thing for the same reason.  Before you wonder why someone isn’t getting more into something at your church or more into something you are passionate about or more angry about something you just learned about on the news, ask yourself this... what do I really know about them? What should I know about them? Why is it important to me that others agree with me? There is a trope that plays out regularly in TV shows. Someone will state that a particular food or book or sport or some other obscure thing is the greatest thing that ever existed. Someone will disagree. Everyone turns on each other. Hilarity ensues. But that hilarity is only usually present in the TV show. In real life, we draw divisional lines that don’t need to exist.   In a world that is growing more and more divisive, do not add to it with nonsense. Rivalries are fun. Jokes are fun. But if we spend all of our time accidentally practicing division, guess what we are going to end up with.

Question: Why do you go to church? What do you hope to get out of it? How does your “why” and your “what” differ from others? Are they wrong or are you? 
Activity: Find someone that likes a different sports team or cereal or restaurant than you. Spend some time talking to them about the good parts of their “other side.” Practice unity for a bit, leaving behind division.

Day 33—Ships and storms